Seeing His Light

When I confessed that I struggle with fear and anxiety I was so scared to admit it because I'm not proud of those emotions but by putting it out there for y'all to read I've learned that I'm very much not alone in those dark feelings. Lately though I've been struggling more with it and this is usually on account of one of two things. I either have too much down time so my brain has way too much free time to overreact and/or I have something big going on in my life. Either way my obvious reaction is to look completely put together on the outside while my brain is on overload with every 'what if' scenario going on in the inside.Right now in my life I'm at the AND moment. While I'm worrying and stressing over some things that are beyond my control I'm also abundantly aware that summer break is not necessarily a good thing for me. I always have big plans to be very productive at the end of the school year but I quickly fall into the trap of laziness. I get things accomplished but with no real schedule to my days I feel no sense of urgency to complete tasks; therefore I read a lot, I write not nearly enough, my house is usually semi-clean and I spend a ton of quality time with my dogs but that's about the extent of it. I've been told this is ok, that I'm a busy person and that I deserve this month off to rest and recharge. While I love my mother for always being the head cheerleader of my life I'm well aware I would maybe do much better with only two weeks off in the summer (but please don't tell my bosses). After scaring the crap out of my husband this morning whilst screaming out loud during a bad dream (always during high stress points in my life and always about the same thing) I got up and was doing my Bible study where I was reading about fear and anxiety. I was led to 1 John 1:5 which basically says that God is our light in the darkness. This fact I believe with my whole heart and have since I was a child. The part I question is what happens when the fear outweighs the light shone on us by God?I've had my share of misfortune, probably more than some and less than others, and during times when my faith is tested I feel as if I'm wrapped in a cloak of darkness and find it incredibly hard to pray. When in the midst of a crisis or a tragedy where you pray fervently and the outcome isn't that of which you prayed for how do you hold tight to your faith? When the darkness is engulfing you how do you find God's light?When my oldest son was a year old we found out we were pregnant and we were over joyed at the thought of our growing family. However, not long after the positive pregnancy test it became clear to us that I was having issues and we were warned by the doctor that sadly I was losing this precious child. I will never forget the day we came home with that news, I took my sleeping toddler from the arms of my mother-in-law and locked myself in his nursery where I rocked him and cried for the sibling he wouldn't have and for the child I never got to know. To say I was pissed at God was an understatement, I found it hard to sit in church and many times would make my husband take me home halfway through the service. I sat on the floor of the shower and cried until I had no more tears left. I yelled at my husband hoping that getting the anger I felt out of my body would make me feel better. It didn't, it only managed to hurt the person I loved most and whom I had selfishly forgotten had also had lost a child. (Sadly I'm still trying to learn that misguided anger doesn't help matters but that's a story for another time.) The only thing I knew is that I had trusted God and in so doing not only had I lost a baby, I felt as if I'd lost my faith at the same time. I felt as if I was completely in the dark.Approximately three months after that dreadful day we found out that once again we were pregnant, this time I was petrified. I ignored my growing belly and all the feelings that come along with pregnancy and acted as if nothing had changed at all about our lives. Being ignored was not something that little boy was going to allow because he kicked the heck out of me during my whole entire pregnancy. (Why do y'all think he's named after a bull rider?) So a year after finding out that we had lost a child we so desperately wanted we were given a beautiful, strong, healthy son. He came fast and furiously into this world (arriving even before the doctor did) with the strongest lungs I'd ever heard on a newborn, he was bound and determined to make his presence known. As I layed in that hospital bed with one son laying on my chest and the other sitting beside me I realized with astounding clarity that if I had not lost one beautiful child a year before I wouldn't have this beautiful child in my arms. I was and still am overwhelmed at the prospect of not ever having my "middle" kid. The darkness that had been enveloping me for the last year was finally and slowly breaking away.The loss of that pregnancy was the second time I felt left alone in the dark. The first was years before my children were born when my father suffered a major stroke during a medical procedure which changed our lives forever. Everything was harder for my family after that and we struggled to learn a new life with a man that was no longer the same father and husband we'd always had. Over the span of 20 years we watched my fathers health decline sometimes rapidly and scarily, sometimes just small issues would arise but always with the realization that our time with him was limited. The days and nights we spent beside him all those years were filled with tears and prayers, doubts and darkness. I struggle with my faith sometimes because I know without a doubt that prayers aren't always answered in the way that we ask them to be answered. I struggle with anxiety because I watched my father's health fail him. I struggle with fear because I know the fragility of our health. Looking back over those 20 years in the midst of those awful moments were some seriously beautiful ones. My father whom I wasn't very close to growing up was now an active member of mine and my children's lives. The man who I butted heads with my whole life now became my friend and mentor. I witnessed my young husband care for his father-in-law while never making him feel like less of a man. I watched my children grow up with a grandfather who sometimes was more of a child than they were and because of that they are incredibly empathetic to those around them. I grew closer to my mother and sister as we banned together to care for this man that was once larger than life and now was shell of his former self.I struggle with fear and anxiety because I know all too well the reality of this delicate life we live. I struggle with fear and anxiety because I know that a doctors appointment to find out your due date can turn into you leaving an office with tears in your eyes and words of sympathy from the nurses. I struggle with fear and anxiety because I know that one day you can be heading to San Antonio on vacation and the next you are in ICU fighting for your life. On the days that I wake up and am covered in a blanket of darkness are the days that I have to force myself even more to get up and get away from my own thoughts. I have to force myself out into the world just to remind myself that life is shitty and scary and messy and sometimes it's just plain awful but sometimes in those shitty, scary, awful moments you find the most beautiful moments. The moments that take your breath away like the children who make you laugh even when they're making you crazy. The sister that acts incredibly silly in elevators with you while you make the one thousandth trip to the hospital. The mother that teaches you by example that you are much stronger than you ever thought you could be. The husband that holds you tight to his chest to try and shield you from moments you shouldn't have to witness. The father that looks so lovingly into your eyes during his final days and you know he's understanding even in the midst of his mind failing him that you are his daughter and that your blue eyes are the same as his. Each of those moments are times that I know God was shining His light on me. I may not have known it then but looking back, I do now.I struggle with fear and anxiety because I live in a flawed and fragile world but I get up and LIVE with fear and anxiety because I know that God is my light, even on my darkest days.