Time for Change
On Friday I walked out of the Administration building for the last time as an employee of the district.
We Are the Outsiders
The Fourth of July has always been my favorite holiday in this town, it was my dad’s favorite too, I probably miss him most of all on this day. The traditions of this once small town as well as the traditions of my family that carried on when I had kids made it extra special. The food, family, friends, fireworks, and laughter were all amazing. It’s changed now though, the patriarchs of the families have passed on and the celebrations have moved. The once small parade now includes neighboring towns and lasts too dadgumn long. My husband used to set up a tent early in the morning to stake out our favorite parade route spot but now people set up 24 hours in advance and complain about each other on Facebook. The park that used to be so much fun now looks more like an arts and crafts show that holds nothing anyone truly needs or wants.
Talk Less and Listen More
I often feel like when I’m anxious, frustrated, or angry the people in my life get my wrath when they say something and I take it the wrong way. On the flip side, I know how easy it is to say something innocently trying to help someone I love and they take it completely differently.
Lucy’s First Calf
I can’t explain how much it hurt to see her watching Craig so closely as he did everything he could to save her calf. When we realized there was nothing we could do we watched her continue to clean that sweet baby, to nudge her, to give little grunts talking to her. I sat watching that beautiful creature doing everything right, everything she was supposed to do, and nothing worked.
Angelica
White peacocks are extremely rare and it’s said that they symbolize the removal of negative energy and awakening of your inner light. They say it’s a sign to be proud of yourself and all you have achieved. I’m sure some will say that’s hippie shit but one day a white peahen flew into my backyard and decided this was a cool place to be and she never left. She didn’t belong to me, I belonged to her. She came when I called and if I whistled she honked in response. Her best friend was Lorrie and she loved blueberries. She brought me so much joy and my heart is broken.
Duct Tape, Bailing Twine and Prayers
That’s what I need to remember and what I want you to as well as we are smack dab in the middle of the longest month (why is that?) and as we start the year 2024 (that sounds so weird). When we’re scrolling social media or sitting in a meeting or at dinner or whatever and we see that person that looks like they have it all together. The hair, the clothes, the car, the person standing beside them, the kids, whatever it is that you’re looking at and coveting. Just remember, looks can be deceiving and all is not always as it seems.
Three Empty Rooms
This house is quiet now, the messes are fewer and I have plenty of time for long uninterrupted baths. The nights aren’t as long and the days feel shorter.
Three rooms that once held laughter, yelling, music, and playing now stand empty. The still moments that I’m currently living (and sometimes struggling) through are the same exact moments I prayed for during those sleepless nights. The days I cried over in the shower are the same ones I wish I could go back and do again.
The Wedding
One early morning when Dakota was just a few months old I laid us both down in my bed after a long sleepless night. I was hoping for a nap, instead I found myself lying there just staring at him. I watched his long lashes flutter while he dreamt, the gentle rise and fall of his chest, the way he turned toward me craving my presence even in his sleep, his tiny hand gripping my arm. We were a team, the two of us and I realized that while right now he was mine and I was his, one day that all would change and he would walk away.
The thought of another woman taking my place was all at once brutal and crucial. While I didn’t want to be replaced I wanted him to find and know a love like his father and I had. With tears falling while he slept peacefully beside me I quickly wrote down the words that were racing through my head. ‘You Walk Away’, was a glimpse into how I imagined our future together and I wasn’t very far off.
Father’s Day
Neither of us thought about the fact that daddy couldn’t just get up and come to the table, but Craig did. Without being asked and without asking us what he should do, he got up and helped daddy wrap his arms around his neck while he grabbed him around his middle and transferred him to his wheelchair. It was nothing to him, it was instinctual, but to mom and I it was one of the sweetest moments we would never forget. “You have to marry that man!” mom said, and while I had never doubted that I would, I realized with a renewed clarity that I would chase after him and club him down cavewoman style, if need be, to make him mine!
The Gift…
At the end of the service with the lights off, we held candles while singing “Silent Night”. In that soft glow I watched his crystal blue eyes tear up, I listened to his raspy voice sing the words and when I looked past him, I saw my mother watching us and smiling. These people that gave me life, and helped me become the woman I am today taught me that the love of family and making memories is more important than anything else.