Standing Naked, Putting on Armor

So there’s a moment in life when you realize that maybe it’s time to be brutally honest, when you feel like you need to strip it all down and bare everything. I think that’s why I started this new writing venture, it’s a take off on a blog that I started ten years ago and never took it to the place I felt it truly needed to go. But then again ten years ago I was only 34, I’ve figured out so much more about this crazy life. I’ve lost my father, I’ve sent two sons to college, I’ve changed jobs and figured out who I want to be (sort of) I’m still a work in progress but then again aren’t we all?

Here’s the deal, social media in all forms is so completely overwhelmingly deceiving. Life is not the sunshine and roses that is displayed in the perfectly cropped, soft lighting filter that is beautifully framed for the best angle. Life is not taking 15 shots to figure out which is the best one to post for the world to see. Life is messy and scary and crazy and heartbreaking and maddening and beautiful and to be honest I don’t want to be the person that only shows the perfectly made up side. I’ve actually probably never been that person, I’m pretty good at letting my faults just hang all out there for the world to see but I’ve kept quiet about some parts and I don’t feel like I can do that anymore. So here goes…I’m about to stand completely naked in front of y’all.

I live in fear most days. It’s something that I dislike about myself immensely. Most people wouldn’t know it since I’m usually perceived as strong, confident and outgoing. I laugh so hard when people describe me as this for I see myself as completely the opposite. I used to ignore it and let the incorrect descriptions of me pass, I mean that used to be me. In high school I would totally have described myself that way. I miss her, actually I miss that girl a lot. She had no fear, she had no doubts, she just did and laughed and dealt with the consequences later. I wish I could remember how that feels to be that way but I don’t. Lately I feel like a fraud when people describe me with such strong and positive terms so I correct them at which time they usually want to argue with me. People see what they want to see or maybe I’m playing the part I want to be, while in my head I’m just completely freaking out. The latter is probably most true.

l try to think back to when I lost that girl that was so fun and outgoing but I’m not sure there was just one date. Possibly when I was 18 and our lives changed while my dad had a “simple procedure” that went horribly wrong. Possibly at 24 when I was pregnant with my first and almost lost him or maybe it was at the end of the pregnancy that I spent on bed rest making sure he wouldn’t be premature. Maybe it was when that beautiful boy came out looking so fragile and I couldn’t believe that I was the person God trusted to care for him, maybe it was a year later when I miscarried. I could go on with stories and events that helped to shape the woman with anxiety I have become today; we all have those stories that shape and mold us and some of us walk away with confidence never batting an eye becoming stronger from it. Some of us shut down so completely that we are no longer able to cope with life in a productive manner, some of us live in the middle zone. While I may have been known to want to hide under the covers until the anxiety passes, most days I put on a smile and push through the silence. I know that if I push through the fear that things will get better, that a fake smile turns into a real smile. That forced laughter becomes real laughter. But on those days when you are alone in the silence, that silence is hard y’all. The anxiety and fear eats away at you if you don’t confront it head on.

I have a husband and three children that force me to confront it, that have literally picked me up when I’m down, they shared this burden with me, they’ve made me laugh and they’ve cried with me. Anxiety and fear are dark emotions and they have literally been my light through the darkness some days. What if I didn’t have them to pick me up when I’m down, to take away the thoughts that run through my head and replace them with laughter? I’m so lucky to have them but not everyone has a team of support standing with them. There are days when we are feeling less than perfect, when the what if’s or the I’m not good enough emotions are there and the onslaught of the social media perfectionism just completely exasperates those feelings and we stand alone. We stand alone afraid we’ll be judged or criticized, it’s a scary place to be in y’all.

The fact that I’m putting this out there for y’all to read is literally making me sweat. Can you imagine just how very hard it is to break down the walls I’ve spent years building up around myself? I’m not sure if I’m putting this out there for myself because I feel like there is strength in standing naked and baring one’s soul or if I’m hoping that by being scarily brutally honest I can let someone else know that it’s okay to be who you are, warts and all.

It’s taken me a while to decide to stand here naked in front of y’all. I actually wrote this post first on February 4, 2016 in my journal. The fear that y’all would treat me differently, or look at me differently, or think of me differently kept me from being willing to post until now. I don’t want that, I want desperately to be who y’all see me as which is evidently strong and confident. I’m not sure why today is the day. Maybe it’s watching my sister and friends overcome cancer with such dignity and strength. Maybe it’s watching my mother care for her husband until his last day with such grace and beauty. Maybe it’s knowing that Craig can receive a text in the middle of the day from me when he’s swamped and in the middle of his own chaos and he will respond with the most perfect thing to say. Maybe it’s watching my children learn to navigate this crazy world so beautifully and become some really cool adults. If those beautiful people can walk with such strength and dignity then don’t I owe it to them to be just as strong?

If I accidentally portray a perfect life with my social media posts I want you to know I’m not perfect. My marriage isn’t perfect, my children aren’t perfect, my house is a wreck, my bank account is scary, I haven’t fixed my hair in days, I need to shave my legs, I didn’t take my makeup off last night, I could make a 5th dog with the dog hair on my floor, I’m not even remotely in perfect shape (why do y’all think I only wear jeans?). I eat too much junk food and possibly enjoy my coffee too much, I laugh really loud and obnoxiously, I have ugly feet (reason why I’m almost always in boots), I would have a uni-brow if I didn’t wax it and as I get older I’m noticing hair on my face (WTH is up with that?)

On my best days I start the morning off with a steaming cup of coffee and my bible and on February 4, 2016 Ephesians 6 encouraged me to stand naked and ‘Put on the whole armor of God…’ There is the most perfect image in my mind of the paper thin pages of His word wrapped completely around my whole entire body, literally covering me in His word. I believe that there is so much healing power in the shedding of light on the truth so today I dare you to stand naked and put on His armor with me!