I Was on a Break

A friend asked me if I was still giving myself time to write. I looked at that question and felt immediate shame and guilt knowing that my answer was no. I had the time, but I had found a myriad of other things to fill those hours with, anything besides writing.

I cleaned and I hate to clean. I baked and certainly didn’t need to when I’m busy complaining about a little extra weight (thanks menopause). I binged Netflix, I took crazy long bubble baths where I read other people’s words. I spent more time than I care to admit mindlessly scrolling social media and sometimes I just sat and felt sorry for myself.

None of those are necessarily bad except for the social media scrolling and feeling sorry for myself, which now that I think about it, one probably led to the other. The reality is that I needed that break to re-group, to recover and to feel all the emotions.

I had given myself the break mid-November knowing I wanted the holidays to be about just that, but December rolled into January, and I found myself in a funk. I hadn’t even realized it was February and was still immersed in the darkness until I read those words.

“Are you still finding time to write on the weekends?” Ten simple words strung together to hit me exactly where I needed to be hit. I sat on that email for a few hours before responding. I was ashamed and felt frustrated with myself in my lack of dedication to something I love. Finally, I responded and gave all the excuses, yet as I was typing I could hear my own negative thoughts. ‘You haven’t been writing because you’re lazy, you’re not dedicated, you’re not good enough.’ Why are we so cruel to ourselves?

I didn’t write because I needed a break; even from something I truly love, I needed a break. I’m back now and ready to take control and give into the goals and aspirations in my heart. Breaks are okay as long as we don’t live in them, and it doesn’t turn into a stop.

I’m thankful that my friend asked that question, I just wish I could recall my email with the excuses and instead say ‘Nope, I’ve been on a break.’

P.S. If you don’t read those words in Ross Geller’s voice, I’m not sure we can be Friends. (See what I did there?)

Have you taken a break from something you loved? I’d love to hear what brought you out of it.

P.S.S. Are you on Ross or Rachel’s side? Discuss in the comments.

“The One Where Ross and Rachel Take a Break” This iconic and much quoted episode aired February 13, 1997.