My Special Purpose

Lately I’ve been struggling, I’m cranky, I’m a little down, I’m frustrated. Let’s be honest, I’m 48 so we could quite possibly chalk this all up to being pre-menopausal. We could also chalk it up to 2021 basically being 2020 2.0 with 2022 looking like it might be 2020 2.1 <insert all the crying and screaming here>. While those things are certainly not helping I don’t think that it’s the root of the problem. I’ve probably known the cause for quite some time, but yesterday I stood in my living room and with tears streaming down my face I said the words out loud to my sweet, understanding, overly patient husband.

“I don’t actually feel like I have a purpose anymore.”

Those were powerful and quite frankly shocking words to leave my mouth. As I said before I probably subconsciously knew, but I didn’t KNOW until the text bubble was floating in the air above my head just hanging there like the most ominous and looming dark cloud.

I was a stay at home mom for ten years until my last kid hit Kindergarten. Once they were all in school full time I went back to work at the schools they attended so I was still basically with them 24/7. I started working at the intermediate school when my oldest was in fourth grade and moved to the high school when he was a freshman; so I had at least one and usually two of my kids on my campus in any given year. We rode to school/work together, we saw each other in the hallways, in the cafeteria, in the library and once they entered high school they spent more time in my office than they did the classroom (sorry teachers). It wasn’t always easy, can we all just admit that every once in a while a mom needs a break from her children, we love them desperately but sometimes WE…JUST…NEED…A…BREAK. There I said it, judge away but you know it’s true. I never really had that break though, I had a husband that traveled for work and hunted on the weekends so most of the time it was just me and my ducklings. As much as sometimes I remember needing a break so bad, there isn’t one thing I regret about those years with my kids, except maybe not treasuring each and every second more than I did.

Every single thing I’ve done in my life for the last 24 years has been for my kids and what do I get in return? The very things I hoped and prayed for, that they would go off and spread their wings. That they would go to college and find careers that interest them, that they would find people to share their lives with and that I wouldn’t be the first call they made when something exciting happened. I guess we really should be careful for what we wish for right? Here I am, 48 years old with a good job, an amazing husband, three highly successful, well adjusted adult “children” and I feel one hundred percent completely lost. (I’ve also turned my dog into my child, I’m slightly ashamed to say. I mean there may not have a been a party hat but there were presents and special treats on her second birthday so there’s that.)

Lorrie on her 2nd birthday finding out she’s about to go see “her cows”.

Anyway, when I said those words aloud yesterday and realized just how true they were it was a sucker punch to the gut. While Craig tried to tell me I most definitely had “purpose” I felt like he was just saying words to make me feel better. Don’t get me wrong I know my job is important to the employees at the district, I know that I run our house like a successful small business and it’s probably never been cleaner. He also reminded me that I take care of him but anyone who knows us at all knows that it’s definitely the other way around, yes I am well aware that I’m spoiled rotten by that saint of a man.

So as I sit here today, on a day off with another cup of coffee and my pampered pups at my feet, I find myself contemplating what my purpose is in this second half of my life, a purpose that I hope feels just as important as raising babies did. I have no idea what it truly is or will become and am actually quite fearful I’ll never really know and maybe that’s ok too. I guess the important thing is to be comfortable with myself rather I answer this question or not.

Steve Martin in “The Jerk”. A completely ridiculous movie that has extremely quotable parts for insane people such as myself.