College Kids and Communication
I’ve already told you I have three kids, two in college and one in high school. And while those three kids are incredibly similar in that they all participate in the same activities, they all listen to pretty much the same music, they all are getting agricultural type degrees, and literally drive almost the same exact truck, these three kids of mine couldn’t be more different.
The oldest is a rule follower to the extreme, he does what he is supposed to do at all times and to the best of his ability, he doesn’t ask why he just does. Unless he doesn’t think it’s the right thing to do and then he wont, and doesn’t really give a crap what you think about his lack of participation. He is neither a leader nor a follower, he is just his own person through and through. He is a tender soul who hates confrontation and just wants everyone to get along.
The middle one is an old soul who believes life should be lived to the fullest. He is extremely laid back and has the “it’s all good” attitude which pretty much drives this list making, planner loving mama a little crazy. He tends to lead and follow all at the same time. He roots for the underdog and thinks he needs to take care of everyone. He will give you his last dollar and will sacrifice himself for others.
Then there’s the youngest (and the only girl) who believes that she has to not only succeed but to kick everyone’s butt on the way to the top. She will question you and argue with you until you start to actually think she might be right. (Dear daughter, forget agriculture, you should be a lawyer!) She is a leader and a perfectionist who pretty much succeeds at whatever she sets her mind to. She has the biggest heart hidden behind a tough exterior.
While I have these three vastly different yet extremely similar kids, I find myself in a confusing situation. I stayed at home for the first 10 years of motherhood, once the baby started kindergarten I went back to work but it was for the school district. So I have literally been with at least one of my kids almost every single day for the last 20 years. They would ride with me to school and then home after. They pop into my office (with and without their friends) at various times during the day, the daily communication is constant.
My youngest, being still at the high school with me, frequently eats lunch with me and texts me constantly even though she’s just across campus (sorry teachers, I swear she’s paying attention.) My oldest has just entered his senior year of college and I receive almost daily phone calls on his way home from work and he texts me throughout the day. My middle kid is in his freshman year and while the first month was filled with texts and snap chats, phone calls and even face timing, the communication slowly started to dwindle. He made more friends, found the girls, got busier with classes and work, and while we still communicate the frequency is less. The information is sometimes lacking and the initiation mostly comes from me.
I don’t believe that the way a person communicates with another person is necessarily right or wrong. I believe we NEED people to communicate with us a certain way and when they don’t or can’t we get hurt and angry. I believe my kids communication styles are just different but I didn’t notice until they were no longer under my roof. Until we no longer met in the morning over the coffee pot, or they were walking through my door in the evening saying “Hey Mama!”. Until we no longer gathered together, the five of us, in the kitchen while music played and dinner was prepared and we shared our days, the good and the bad, the laughter and the tears. Not until those moments were gone do I think we really learn what our children are truly like. Without us, as constant figures in their lives, they are free to become the adults they are supposed to be and sometimes that means distancing themselves from those that love them most. It’s an odd feeling not to be a constant figure in your child’s life after 18 years of meeting their every single need. But what I’m learning, and probably not fast enough, is that just because these kids of ours that we have put so much time, love and energy into start to communicate less doesn’t mean they don’t love us less. They are just finding their own way in this crazy world and sometimes they can’t do that while they are still holding on to us.