What Happens Next

I find this question rolling over in my head on repeat. I ask my poor husband this question constantly. I ask the universe. I ask God. No one seems to have the answer and God isn't revealing it and let me tell you I'm not the type to just say "Oh, ok lets just see what happens." Nope, that is definitely not me! I'm a planner, a worrier, an over thinker and a questioner. I will find a problem where there is none just so I can worry about how to fix it. So then you can see my problem (and let's be honest Craig's by default) I've been wondering "What happens next" for a while now.

I think it started when our oldest graduated from high school. It was a weird sensation and one I shared with y'all, and quite frankly anyone who would listen; like I was the only person in the world that had ever gone through it. But it was new for me so I was in emotion overload. Not only was my oldest child graduating from high school but I had been a stay at home mom for 10 years and then went to work for the school district. I was essentially in the same building with at least one of my three children every single day since the day they were born. Think about that for a second, we were constantly together in some fashion, my crew and I. When I worked at the lower level campus I would see them during their lunch, in the library or walking in the hall and when we all moved to the high school they spent more time in my office than they did in class (sorry teachers), I loved every single minute of it. I have these three really cool kids who have these really cool personalities and for some reason they still like to hang out with me. So all of a sudden when the first one graduated I realized just how fast it happened, how in the blink of an eye we went from pre-school to high school and how quickly the next two would follow.

Which brings me to my current situation. I've graduated two and am down to one. My youngest and only girl is entering her senior year. This chic and I spend every single day together, we share clothes, jewelry, a love of coffee and dark suspenseful books. We can be fighting like cats and dogs one minute and cuddling on the couch watching some stupid Netflix series the next, when we aren't physically together we're most likely texting each other. I've spent the last four years telling her not to leave me, to stay close, to go to a nearby university, I said the same things to my boys before they graduated, and now as we enter this senior season I'm kicking myself for those words. How unfair was I to put that in their heads. A teenager who is going through their own emotions of leaving their family and the only town they've ever known to enter into a whole new world is daunting in it's own right. What a selfish thing for me to do to a young adult who is trying so hard to start the next phase of their lives with the confidence and self assurance they'll need to get through the rough times. Please don't get me wrong, I don't regret telling them I'll miss them or that it's going to be weird at home without them but they deserve for me to tell them how excited I am and to truly focus on the adventures they will have without the little comments thrown in about poor pitiful me feeling 'left behind'.

So that brings us back to the original question, "What happens next?" The answer is "I'm not sure exactly" which is slightly terrifying to this extreme planner (who also raised an extreme planner). What I do know is that we will fill out college applications, and go on college visits and Pinterest the heck out of dorm rooms. We wont talk about how empty this house will feel without her big personality filling the rooms or how her dad and I won't know what to do when she isn't sitting in between us taking all of our attention. We'll focus on how exciting it will be for her to leave this town and become who she is without being our daughter, or her brothers baby sister or any one of the many other titles that you seem to acquire when you live in the same town for 19 years (much less 46). When we leave her at her new home (for the next four years) my heart will break in two and I will sob the whole way home and then I'll grab this cute man's hand next to me and together we'll figure out what happens next.

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In My Own Time

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Finding their Wings